Ask Jean Tuesday: Battle of the Bill-Payers
I work full time and my husband is home raising the kids. It just ended up working out that way when he lost his job and then I got pregnant. I handle paying the bills – and I absolutely HATE it. I am also not great with it either and that frustrates him. When I tell him to take over, he won’t even consider it… and then when he sees some of the credit card bills come in, he jumps right on me. Help!
– Kim, Maryland
Kim, thanks for writing. Your email brought back memories. When I was growing up, neither one of my parents liked paying the bills. So my mother would do it for as many months as she could stand it, then when she got really, really cranky my father would take over. And months later, when he had all he could take, she would once again take over for him. I think the difference between your approach and theirs is the difference between the words “ask” and “tell.”
When you “tell” your husband to take over, you’re no longer his wife. You’re his mother, telling him to get his towels up off the floor or finish his homework. When you ask him to take over — or to do it with you — you’re his partner and you need his help. To make it easier on both of you, I want you to switch to paying your bills online, if you’re not doing that already. It’ll shave about 2 hours off the time it takes each month once you get past the set up, which should take about an hour. It will save you money on stamps and trips to the post office. And done right, it will also prevent late fees. (Can you tell I love paying my bills this way?) So, set this up then ask him to sit down with you and show him the procedure. Tell him why you hate being the only one in charge of this process (it makes you feel as if you’re making too many decisions on your own, it makes you worry that if he ever had to do this because something happened to you he’d have trouble) and ask him to do it with you for a couple of months, then take shifts.
As for that flare up over the credit card bill, the cure for this may be bank accounts of your own — one for him and one for you in addition to the house account. You each need to have the autonomy to make some financial decisions (from buying a gift for your spouse to buying something for yourself) without asking permission. Of course, the needs of the family have to come first. But we all forget from time to time that getting married doesn’t make us the same person. Maintaining that individuality will actually help keep the relationship fresh and strong.
